For a long time, I did not realize I was different from the neurotypical world. Until recently, I did not consider myself neurodivergent. I struggled with things like being in social settings, being easily agitated when I was overstimulated. School was a struggle, and yet I have my Master’s degree in nonprofit management. I looked at others and thought, ‘I need to be on that path to be successful’. However, trying to be successful and looking for the next step in my career always came at a price. Increased anxiety, negative self-talk, burnout, feeling resentful or like a failure would start to affect my ability to do the job. The job that I thought I wanted. I thought it was the next step. Unfortunately, I left employers I loved because I was so burnt out mentally and emotionally.
Throughout this journey, I often wished I could match my unique way of seeing the world with societal expectations that favored a more traditional approach. I read books, listened to podcasts, and tried to use concepts that neurotypical people applied easily. I hoped these strategies would connect my experiences with the “normal” responses that were valued. I explored self-help literature, looking for the secret to success. Yet, despite my efforts, I felt more like an outsider in a world moving at a pace I struggled to keep up with.
Unveiling My Neurodivergent Self
FINALLY, I was diagnosed with ADHD. This revelation was both liberating and burdensome. On one hand, it provided clarity and understanding; on the other hand, it unveiled a myriad of questions about my identity and how I fit into the world. I think there may be some Autism sprinkled in, but that is TBD. All while I struggled on a daily basis, I talked to doctors about how I was feeling, only to be put on medication (increasing dosages throughout the years), or people telling me, ‘you seem fine’, ‘I think you have been doing a great job in the role’, ‘I did not realize you were struggling’. It became exhausting to navigate the chasm between my internal struggles and how I was perceived by those around me. At least my masking behavior is on point.
Now, I am at a pivotal point in my life where I need answers. The realization that I do not have to fit into the preconceived mold of professionalism is both exciting and terrifying. I need to finally remove the mask and be my authentic self. There is a deep yearning within me to explore who I am beneath the layers I’ve built to blend in. It’s an opportunity to seek support that truly understands my journey, connect with others who share similar paths, and embrace the unique attributes that come with being neurodivergent. This moment marks the beginning of a new chapter where self-acceptance triumphs over the need to conform, and I can finally pursue a life defined by my own terms, where I can excel without compromising who I truly am.