Before I jumped into this whole journey, I thought that when someone with autism had a meltdown, it looked like one you see in movies—flailing arms, kicking, screaming, just making a big fuss. That’s actually one of the reasons I never really connected with autism. It never hit me that when I struggled to speak, got super agitated, or just couldn’t think straight, my body was actually screaming at me to slow down by shutting down. Whether I’m dealing with a shutdown or a meltdown, I need to pay attention to the signs my body is throwing my way.
Looking back, I remember this one time when I got completely overwhelmed and had a meltdown. I was just hanging out with my family at a fast food joint. As soon as I walked in, it was super crowded, loud music blasting, and disco balls reflecting everywhere. It felt like my brain was on fast forward as I headed to the counter to order. Then someone from my family said something, and I just snapped. Now I get that my nervous system was just trying to keep up with all that sensory overload. This kind of thing had happened before, but I never really understood why I reacted like that until recently.
While I definitely have my meltdowns or outbursts when I get hit with sensory overload, I mainly shut down when I’m burnt out or heading that way. This has happened way too many times, usually because of work. In the past, I’ve even looked for a new job, thinking that would solve everything. And sure, it worked for a bit… but then that same old feeling of exhaustion and irritability would creep back in, sometimes even worse than before. I would also just push through it, telling myself these feelings were just temporary and that I SHOULD be able to keep up with my peers. I listened to podcasts and read books that, looking back, were totally made for allistics. This all led to feeling burnt out, super agitated, and like a total failure. I’m still trying to get better at listening to my body, but I feel like I’ve finally got access to better tools and resources to figure out when I really need to take a break.
I read a blog from the Neurodiversity Education Academy about interoceptive rest. After reading it, I realized I really don’t have a good handle on my metacognitive interoception awareness. Basically, I struggle to pick up on, interpret, and trust my body’s signals. Figuring this out is the first step in reconnecting with my body. By working on my interoceptive skills, I’m hoping to boost my resilience and sidestep those burnout moments in the future.
“Rest is not idle, not wasteful. Sometimes rest is the most productive thing you can do for your body and soul.” — Erica Layne