Have you ever wanted something so much that you became fixated until you got it? That’s how I feel about my AuDHD diagnosis. While I know there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution for this diagnosis, I have struggled for a long time to validate my experiences, making it very important for me to be heard.
In a recent therapy session, EMDR was incorporated to further help me process my trauma. I was not sure what to expect so I leaned into my nuerodivergent characteristics, I started doing research prior to my session. During the session, I became frustrated because I could not ‘feel my feelings in my body’. I have always had a hard time articulating my feelings or outwardly emote. My therapist said I did well processing during the session. However, I still felt a disconnect between my emotions and how to articulate them. This is another reason behind my journey for an autism diagnosis. What is my self criticism is not trauma related…but autism related?
Step 1: The Intake
I started doing research. Trying to find a self assessment online was more difficult than I imagined. Finally I came across the website, https://embrace-autism.com/ where I was able to access the RAADS-R test for free. After taking the 80 question test, it provided me with a score of 145. For context, a score of 130 is the mean score of autistic people, strong evidence for autism and a score of 160 is very strong evidence of autism. At this point, I was more confident I needed to find a medical practitioner to start the assessment process for a formal diagnosis.
After deep diving into the search of locating a psychiatrist, psychologist, or a medical institution that provides autism assessments to adults, it became clear that there is a lack of resources for the late-in-life adult neurodivergent population. However, after a handful of unsuccessful inquiries I was given information for The Center for Autism, https://www.thecenterforautism.org/ in Philadelphia. I was pleasantly surprised to learn not only do they complete autism assessments for adults, they accept my insurance. I only have to pay my copay out of my pocket.
The time frame between reaching out to The Center for Autism and my first appointment was about 3 weeks. The intake lasted about 90 minutes with a comprehensive biopsychosocial evaluation. I answered the questions to the best of my ability, especially when they pertained to milestones and behaviors from my adolescents. These are years I struggle to recall for reasons I have not figured out yet. Once the intake was complete, I was told I would get a call in about 3-4 weeks to schedule my next appointment with a doctor. Now we wait.
Step 2: The Evaluation
The three to four week turnaround was wrong. My evaluation actually took 5 months after intake. A few days before my appointment, I received two forms by email. I was told to complete them beforehand. One form was the AQ assessment. The other was the SRS-2 Adult Self-Report. My goal was to answer honestly, not to influence the results.
My mom came with me to the evaluation. We didn’t wait long before the practitioner took me back. I completed a trauma questionnaire (LEC-5) and signed releases. Then the evaluation started. It looked at my social greetings, help requests, nonverbal communication, understanding social situations in pictures and stories, creative storytelling, grasping complex social concepts (like humor and different perspectives), general conversation, and insight into social topics like emotions, relationships, conflict, and self-awareness.
The evaluation lasted about 2 1/2 hours. During it, I noticed my lack of eye contact, fidgeting, and delayed responses. Some activities made me uncomfortable. For instance, the practitioner showed me a wordless picture book. I had to create a story based on the pictures. She started, and after a few pages, I had to continue. I’ve never felt good at making up stories quickly, but I tried my best. Despite my discomfort, I participated fully in each task of the lengthy evaluation.
Step 3: The Feedback and Beyond
It’s been a little over 2 weeks since my feedback meeting. The practitioner shared my autism assessment results. “Observations are not consistent with autism.” These six words took time to process. I wasn’t so much disappointed as trying to understand what’s next. This outcome doesn’t change who I am. It’s just another piece of my self-discovery. My ADHD diagnosis remains, so I’m still neurospicy. One assessment showed significant autistic traits. This suggests autism is present alongside my ADHD. I started this journey seeking clarity and self-understanding. Ultimately, this journey, regardless of the specific labels, continues to guide me toward a deeper understanding of myself.